Multiple people who I respect greatly have told me how powerful it has been to be involved in 12-step programs for recovery and growth. While I have had minimal personal time in that environment I can see the value that the intent and ritual of transformation has provided so many. I have both heard the arguments against the approach as overtly religious or unproven, and in support of it based on habit science and its inherent spiritual aspects.
As an experiment, I authored the 13-step path below in an attempt to distill the essence of the approach into something that more explicitly connected each of the steps to spiritual transformation. Furthermore, I tried to craft the language in ways that more clearly showed that it is not necessary to accept any specific ideology or dogma to fully embrace the concepts. The only requirement is to accept that the universe is a continuum of existence where all is fully connected to itself and everything that has, does, or will exist and that existence is inherently good.
- Be Humble: Admit powerlessness over what has been, is now, and must be.
- Accept Divinity: Believe the universe has conspired to make your life perfect.
- Embrace Faith: Commit to act with confidence and positive intent toward all.
- See Truth: Accept the truth about yourself and others without any judgment.
- Reconcile: Speak your truth to the other and the universe so it is known.
- Cleanse: Make yourself ready to be transformed toward your ideal self.
- Seek Help: Ask for guidance, healing, and revelation of sources of aid.
- Forgive: Pursue forgiveness from the other, for the other, and for yourself.
- Make Amends: Do no harm, but find ways to be kind to the other and yourself.
- Remain Aware: Minimize the time and maximize the power of transformation.
- Stay Connected: Express your genuine unconditional love and gratitude for all.
- Share Yourself: Discover, acknowledge, become and live your true purpose.
- Never Stop: Transform yourself through a cyclic odyssey of providence.
Following the Path
To avoid confusion about the meanings, let me be specific about the words used here, what the intended meaning of them is, and why they were explicitly chosen:
- Humble: Aware and at peace with what you can't change. We all have freedom of choice, and those choices shape our reality, but we'll only influence direction and momentum. The past has already happened, the future is unknowable, but at any moment we can recognize what is now and how we can choose to move toward the better.
- Divine: You are part of the universe which is an expression of all possibility and the universe itself is divine, the source of creation and life and all that comes. It is good that the universe exists and that you exist, and as a fully connected part of the whole universe you are also divine. The process of transformation of the universe that has always existed will include chaos, violence, and tragedy, but the idea that these are the nature or purpose of the universe make no logical sense when all other aspects of the universe are governed by simple basic laws. Creation and life are inherently divine and no single aspect of the universe grants other aspects divinity and leaves others behind.
- Faith: At peace with your choices and actions. Faith does not need to be faith in anything as the word is commonly used but can rather simply reflect the peace, contentment, and even joy of knowing that the universe exists and it is good. Positive intent and positive action will bring you closer to living an ideal life. Faith is the state of acting beyond doubt.
- Truth: What you know or will realize is true. Truth is itself relative and evolves as we become more aware of what we know and as we become more effective at recognizing and not resisting the truth of reality. Reality is the objective state of the universe in the past, present and future, but for many reasons we can never be fully aware of reality. Each of our senses are filtered and transformed by our limitations, distortions, biases, reactions, and denials. We are limited by the parts of reality we can't sense at all and protections or projections applied by our unconscious. Even our memory is often subject to the unknowable operations of our unconscious mind. To maximize what you can know, you must accept the reality of your own truth.
- Reconcile: To transform ourselves, we must integrate the known with the unknown and the unknowable. We then contribute to the other and the universe's transformation toward a more connected reality. Your part in this is being open to and seeking out what we know but is in our unconscious and fully integrating that with our consciousness, then taking the evolution of your truth that emerges from that process and offering it to the shared reality of others and the objective reality known only to the mind of the universe. Some may notice the parallels to the scientifically established approach to psychological transformation processes included or mirrored in these words. This is not by accident or meant to seem original. Even the other is a psychological concept that symbolizes our relationship to other individuals. These parallels are natural, logical, and necessary to the inextricably linked processes of both psychological and spiritual healing and transformation.
- Cleanse: What cleanse means for each of us may differ, and may be metaphorical or literal or both. Transformation can be a messy process and before you move forward by choosing and acting to change you should be prepared. Maybe this is resting, taking time, or engaging in self-care. Maybe it is being initiated into some new realm or changing the way you look, feel, or present yourself. While distinct, this is also the first step of a single cycle of transformation and must make you ready to accept the new revelation, opportunity and gifts that your actions will attract and manifest for you from others and the universe. To understand why this step is necessary, consider a wound that first needs to be cleaned before healing, or preparatory molts of a maturing caterpillar before it wraps itself in a cocoon to become a butterfly. Intentional change must always precede fundamental transformation.
- Help: One of the hardest things for many of us to do is accept help, and it can be even harder to ask for help. Good things like acting to change may come from any one of us, but great things are built by the many. Once you‘ve prepared yourself for transformation, asking is the action that will manifest the reaction. Quiet and peaceful reflection focused on your intent, or practices or rituals that you've already established like meditation, prayer, and offerings are all reasonable ways to engage in asking the universe for help. Even if you doubt there is a listener, know the unconscious is always listening.
Transformation may be possible without engaging with the other, but once you see there are people willing and ready to help you throughout your journey you will have little reason to not seek out and accept their help as well. Be careful in seeking this help from friends, family, or romantic partners. While support from them can be extremely beneficial, it is often difficult to separate all our feelings and interdependencies from our relationships in a way where the support of those close to or deeply connected to us is focused on only you. Everyone deserves to be the most important character in their own story and potential guilt, obligation, or dependence upon the other can harm you. Even those with your best interests in mind may have a conflict of interest if they must accept the changes that come from transformation. - Forgive: Throughout your transformation it is inevitable you will begin to see things differently. You may remember what you had forgotten or were unaware that you knew. You may understand that harm was done to you or by you that you had not previously recognized as harm. You may realize that you're not responsible for something you thought you were, either because you didn't want it to happen, you were unable to choose, or you weren't the reason. If revelations like these come to you it is important to repeat the processes of accepting the truth, reconciling it with the other and the universe, and cleansing yourself. Help can be of the utmost value when integrating these new realities.
When you feel comfortable that you have reached a point of clarity regarding some past harms done by you or to you, it is important to plan out forgiveness. First you should be explicit at least in your own mind about who should be forgiven and what needs to be forgiven. Do not create guilt for yourself or the other where there is none. The next step is identifying whether the forgiveness can be or needs to be accepted. We may need to forgive people who are gone, or who we would harm further by reopening old wounds. The process of forgiveness is only for you and is necessary, but that never gives you the right to breach the boundaries of or harm others to express. If acceptance and validation by the other seems necessary, it is a sign you have more work to reconcile your truth. Do not apologize for, use transformation to manipulate, or try to change others. You have enough to be done for yourself. - Amend: Telling someone you are sorry may be polite, but it does not change the fact you did harm. Kindness and positive action can help others heal. Guilt and perpetual obligation will not serve you, so decide what you feel you need to do toward the other to offset the harm and follow through on that. When direct action is inappropriate for reasons discussed above, plan an equivalent act of kindness to another that has need. You will consider that to fulfill your debt. Be specific in what you intend to do and when done, acknowledge your penance and allow yourself to let it go forever.
We can't expect everyone who has harmed us to apologize to us, but we can still choose to forgive them. We don't forgive them because they deserve it, we want to forgive them so we don't have to carry the pain around anymore. How can we make it real through action? Be kind to yourself. Be specific about what you will do for yourself for each harm that you still carry around with you and then let it go. Do you still feel the pain? Keep being kind to yourself until it dissipates.
Finally, you do not have an obligation to accept an apology from others who have harmed you. As with yourself, they have the responsibility to make amends for themselves. You're not responsible for their choices or their future, and if they attempt to make amends directly in a way that is uncomfortable or causes you harm, you should assert your boundaries and disengage. The universe does not need forgiveness, but you can express gratitude for healing and transformation. - Aware: Recognizing mistakes or harm before or as they happen. People often act without thinking and regret their actions later. By then it may be too late to resolve in a way that minimizes a harm. All of the activities that are part of this process are skills. They will be difficult at first and get easier as you practice them. If you get out of practice, they'll be less effective until you get back to following the path. By narrowing the time between mistakes or harm and resolution, you speed your progress on your path. You minimize the time between harm and healing and maximize time for your transformation. Remember, seeking perfection is the goal of the quest but not what you should expect you will find. Punishing yourself for your mistakes only causes yourself more harm to heal.
- Connected: Expressing gratitude when you are alone will aid in your process of transformation. Gratitude attracts and manifests more of what is good in your life. Gratitude makes others see their own value and can begin or further their own processes of transformation so it is inherently a good and positive action. Kindness to the other will benefit all if you make it a habit and find joy in the positive action. All of these things create a stronger web of connection between you and your unconscious self, you and others, and you and the universe. These connections open you up to always being able to receive and give free and truly unconditional love and respect to all.
- Share: Many of us have spent a large part of our lives without the opportunity to really know ourselves. Transformation inevitably leads to a discovery of who you really are as you grow closer to your ideal self. When that revelation comes it can be difficult to accept. Who you become may be very different than who you or others saw you to be before. But, without acknowledging and accepting the truth of yourself you would halt your process of transformation. The lesson here is that no matter how much you achieve, there will always be unexpected challenges and opportunity fueling more progress along your path. Ultimately, you will reach the peak fulfillment of your life when you become and live your true purpose. That purpose may vary widely between people, but it undoubtedly will include sharing the gifts, beauty, and wisdom you were always intended to have. Sharing your life will be a gift not a burden or obligation, when it's right.
- Repeat: Another way to look at this process is in three phases. Steps 1-5 are the Initiation, 6-9 are Transformation, and 10-12 are the Perfection of the self. But, this is not a checklist. This is not a story with a beginning, middle and end. This is a lifelong quest, an adventure in pursuit of the ultimate prize: a genuine self-actualization of your ideal self. There will be challenges, setbacks, and possibly even some wandering in the wilderness when the path seems lost to you forever.
Fear not. This path was meant for you and by you, to lead you to the promise of becoming what you’re meant to be. If you are lost, you can always go back and start anew. You should and you will. There is never failure, only a cessation of success while you find your way back to the path again. Never give up. Never stop going.
Why so Narrow?
Common phrases you hear used like "staying on the straight and narrow" or "walking the narrow path" come from the New Testament of the Christian Bible, specifically from Matthew 7:13-14. You may notice other language that sounds like it is religious here, and even the original 12-step program of Alcoholics Anonymous was initially founded as a Christian organization. However, the source of a revelation does not mean it is inherently flawed or limited by that origin.
Personally, I was the grandson of a Southern Baptist Preacher. I did not know my grandfather well, but his faith's impact on my mother was evident and also impacted me. I skeptically read from the Christian Bible before I was a teenager. Symbols and language from there are deeply embedded in my psyche, and the collective consciousness. I find it convenient to use these symbols to explain things, but that should not taint the intended universalism of this version of the steps of ritualistic transformation.
With all that said, the idea behind the "narrow path" is a powerful one. It guides us to be aware of where we are and where we are going, and to maintain focus on the reasons behind our journey and direction. It reminds us to be disciplined and moderate, but to actively seek the ideal path to walk upon through this life. It can be a path of least resistance. Perhaps it even hints toward a deeper process that may span our lifetimes.